-Ba$tard$-

Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.

-Louis McMaster Bujold,1999-

I have met many bastards in life and I sure will meet more. Kinda nice to know I'll outlive a bunch of bastards.

-Food for thought, eh?-

The voyage

You don’t just put your trust in somebody, just like that. No. That is like putting your self in the middle of a road during rush hour. Is that really hard to plant in your mind?

Hideous kind of heartbreak, remember that? It is coming. When I said i prayed for it, I wasn’t just saying it. I really did.

How does it feel? Don’t worry. It will pass. The questions, confusions, pain. They all will seem pointless after a while.

Yes, right now it hurts to know betrayal would choose to visit you too. I too, thought it was not possible. I, and now you know we were both wrong.

Very wrong.

That boat you’re on right now, I used to be its captain.

So, trust me on this. This is just another voyage, in a sea of unknown and your next stop is closer than you think. Right now, the storm makes you think you will never make it back to land. But, when your feet actually touch land, you know you will get back on the same boat and sail through the same sea regardless of the bad storm you’ve faced moments before.

You’ll see, it is not so bad after all.

Annoyance to the max.

Okay. I was doing my thing, not bugging anyone, except some people, only because i was asking around if they happen to have microsoft office 2007 installer.
My Desktop was reformatted 2 weeks back and everything has to be reinstalled for the desktop to work properly. The computer whiz in my office installed Microsoft Office 2003 in my computer. So, you can guess the annoyance i get when I can't open any form of documents created from the microsoft office 2007 software. My previous work was saved in the '.docx' and '.xlsx' format, meaning no work day for me. ..ha ha, I wish.

Anyway, suddenly my office phone was ringing and i picked up. There was this really uncharacteristically loud voice on the other end greeting me and asking me how my day was going.
Heck. he even asked if I already had my breakfast? seriously WTF??

Can you imagine how the salesperson for telemarketing talks you into buying any of their stuffs and ask you to post in some money for payment? Okay, imagine that times 238.

Damn! he said i was the lucky selected few from F*IM who will get free 2 days and 1 night stay at any hotel in Malaysia which are under the Orient group company. He asked me to spare him 5 minutes from my day and allow him to explain/con me into taking the offer.

Of course there was an underlying term/condition that I have to succumb to in order to materialize that offer (betulkah vocab aku?).

He went on and on about how good their hotels are especially the one in Krabi and Sarawak and Bali. Heck, when will I get the chance to go there? definitely not now or next year. For Sure!
This guy was trying to sell me as though I go to holidays all the time, like I have all the money in the world to do that...Hello!!! Student here. Bengong!

After he went on for about 10 minutes>>>By now,I seriously was on the verge of jumping off a cliff listening to him. ok, memang tipu. mane ade cliff kat sini. he said, you should totally register as our member to enjoy all the benefits I've mentioned just now.
Herk, I have to register? bukan ko kate tadi free ke?

Heiiishhh!!!

I thought there was a catch. So, it appeared that I have to pay an amount of RM568 to enjoy the benefits as well as the FREE 2 DAYS I NIGHT STAY in a deluxe room at any hotels in Malaysia that are under their company group.
DAmn!! I wasted a good 15 minutes listening to him rambling on and on about this 'promotion' that only a few selected lucky people get to enjoy.
TIPU !!!!!!!!!!!

Hehe, anyhoooo...the joke was on him.
While he waited patiently for me to say 'Alright, make me a Member',
I pulled out the phone cord/cable and just hung up.

Huh!!

No babai, no thank you.
Just ......

Effortless

Thursday. Morning. really...Morning. as in 9.03 am when I started this entry.

This blog is covered in spiderwebs. Metaphorically speaking of course. Blogging has not been on my utmost priorities list for quite sometimes now. No reason. I just didn't know what to write about.
Sure, i've been to places and done a lot this past couple of months, but i never seemed to find the best way to put everything down in writing.
Plus, my writing skill has somehow deteriorated. And, if anyone does read my blog, you would notice that my english is like a complete laughing stock. Way below par--> Am not laughing though.

So, I sorta realized yesterday after a conversation I had on the phone with my boss that I could not effortlessly construct a simple sentence in english the way i was able to. How effortless was I before? Well, constructing a simple english sentence did not include stuttering through out the whole conversation, when me is involved, then. Hurgh!! Really, i do not stutter. The reason I stuttered was because I was rushing my brain to find the word i want to use in the next sentence. And when the time came for me to vocalize the next sentence, i stuttered again because the sentence I anticipated in my head was somehow irrelevant to the conversation prior to the previous feedback from my boss---> hence the stuttering game.

Heck..! suddenly Joe’s “Stutter” song came to mind while I’m writing this.

‘I can tell you're lying
Cause when you're replying
You stutter, stutter, stu-stutter, stutter’

Damn! Don’t be getting any negative ideas. The conversation I had with my boss was lies-free. I don’t need to lie to him. He is a GREAT boss. I adore him...Seriously, he could be my long lost father from another lifetime.  Erk?? Heee..pretend u missed reading that part.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. There’s a theory that i came up with as to why my english is no longer as good as it was before of course when I use the word good here it means in my standard where english is my second language and i do not use it in my daily conversations with people on a regular basis. So, if there’s anybody reading this right now thinking ;

“hek eleh, cam bagus sangat Inggeris die. Even my english is better ONE than hers”

 Serious?? Ape ko ingat ni cerite ONE Malaysia ke ape? Need I say more?
 for those who don’t get it, here’s a hint ......‘MANGLISH’.....

Ekeke, I funny one...Oops! ok, ok.
Again, back to the theory I was about to disclose.
I think the reason why my english is not as fluidly fluent as before is because I do not speak the language as often as I used to.
What a Revelation !!

Back in the days, I spoke a whole lot of english with my school friends everyday. I didn’t get to converse in english at home, so school was the perfect place for me to practice. The fact that i was also in the school’s english debating team helped too. English language was not so foreign to me. It was EffortleSS, should I say.

Hehe, I kid not. There was one time, my teacher asked me to read an essay I submitted for an essay writing competition for the school’s Mother’s/Father’s Day celebration. Actually, there were no entries from the students when the school first asked for essays about our mother/father. Guess what the school did. They asked all the English teachers in our school to give their students homework on writing an essay about our mother/father. Every single person wearing school uniforms in our school had to write an essay about their mother/father. Brilliant, wasn’t it? Hehe, takut kene marah sebenarnye.

So, when the teacher asked me to read it in front of the whole school, you can automatically guess I won the competitionDuh..!
And, no no. The point of this particular part of this entry is not about how I was super-duper–talented-in-essay-writing (little bit only..hehe), but rather about what happened the day of the presentation.

The school invited the entire essay writing competition winners’ father/mother to school to watch their kids read/embarrass themselves in front of the whole school. I was a nervous wreck. Why? My essay was about my mother, about how I love my mother, about how my mother molded me into this not so BeauTifUl, could be more RespONsiBle, un-TaLenTed person. Heck, did I need to parade around about how good of a job my mom was doing where me was concerned? YES!! HAHA..I mean no. But, technically yes. I mean, no. Erk, I’m not sure. What I meant was, I’m sure everybody’s mom is doing their very best when it comes to their children well-being…right?
Plus, I do not wear my heart on the sleeves, which meant going up on stage to ramble on and on about how I love my mother was unimaginable…

As I read my essay on stage, no sound came from the audience. ..My head went “WTF, everyone’s fallen asleep listening to me”. No sound came from the people on stage too. Oh, I forgot to mention, my school principle was sitting on stage along with the vice principle and this big shot called the ‘Director of the district education department’ (mouthful!). Now, can you imagine the pressure I was under? Heck, none! LOL!!!
Nobody made a sound. Good Gosh!! My mouth wished it could speak faster than ever.
I didn’t even look at my mom who was seated at the back of the school hall. ..Yeah, yeah..she was probably wondering why would all these people would want to listen to her daughter yapping about her?  Because they had to. It was a freaking celebration at school.

Finally, the essay came down to its last sentence after what seemed like an eternity. Darn, this part is so like ‘WTF-why-did-I-just-do-that’. At the end of the presentation, I paused to look at the audience and my mom I swear to God, I heard a cricket rolling on the floor laughing somewhere, hysterically. Ehem, ok, no applause. You know what I did? I said “I love you mom. She’s the pretty lady sitting at the back there” while my hand pointing at the back of the school hall like I was giving an acceptance speech at the Grammy’s. ..Damn, I could’ve been a Rock StarIrrelevant to the post.
Hak hak! You know what my mom did? She stood up from her chair and waved back at me while the whole school turned their head trying to locate which lady I was pointing at. Of course they spotted her. She ain’t no tall lady, but when she was the only one standing up waving at the stage, poof !! she was an instant celebrity.
By then, the cricket laughing was just drowned by the sound of hands clapping and people cheering. Dude, if I knew it was that easy I wouldn’t have read the whole damn essay in front of everyone and would just get up the stage and say that one magical sentence.Regrets?hee..I shy.

Afterwards, my mom was invited on to the stage to accept a trophy engraved with the phrase ‘Exemplary Mother’. Sheesshh..did I make my mom proud, huh? Hehehe..
She was stoked, I tell you. I mean, it was one of those few times I think I could clearly see how proud my mom was of me and how she could see how proud I am of her…*tearing up* (n_n) pause for dramatic effect.

Ok, tissues are almost out…(T___T)
Later, when we were treated to some refreshments after the assembly, my mom said that a lady who sat next to her during the ceremony asked her whether she married somebody from overseas i.e: UK/USA? Then that lady and other people who were listening to their conversation asked whether I was born overseas i.e: UK/USA? Then they asked whether I had, by any chance gone to an international school? The answer to all those questions were NO. Then, all of them speculated that everyone in my family speaks English at home. Again, she said no. We speak our mother tongue at homeBahasa Malaysia la wei!!

It was somehow perplexing to them that I was able to speak and write a good essay in english without having any obvious history on how I came to do just that. They said that it was not how I was able to produce a good essay, but rather how I speak the language as though I was a native English speaker.
In short, how come I don’t sound like a Malaysian speaking in English? Erk..i dunno.
I watch MTV a lot..?.hey! they have very interesting vocabularies used in there. Seriously, where else can you hear the word bootylicious, bromance, fugly? RTM 1?

Hehehe, witty me, eh? Anyhooooeeeee…My friend from USA as in a ‘Minah Salehah’ from California once asked me where I learned to speak English? I said “school”.
She then asked “you mean school outside of Malaysia?”
 memangla bangang gak soalan die ni kan. Omputeh ni memang perasan die je la gamaknye bes. Aiseh!! Ingat orang blaja kat Malaysia xle pandai ckp omputeh? Ceitt!!
I said “no”. Aku tak rase cool pun jawab sepatah-sepatah.
And then she said “that’s strange. You don’t sound like you have an accent (she doesn’t consider an American accent as an accent, cause duh! she is one) and when you speak, you don’t sound like any other Malaysians I’ve spoken to”.
Friendly reminder: I do not speak with an American Accent. I do not think so, at the very least. DO I?
Pokak apo minah salehah sorang tu?

Please be reminded; this is not a ‘get in the basket and lift it up yourself’ entry about how ‘mind-blowingly-good’ my English proficiency is. IT IS NOT. I’m sure there is a lot of grammar mistake towards the completion of this entrywhich strikes me: maybe I should get myself a book on improving my grammar. Heck, while I’m on it, a book on vocabulary sounds tempting too. Whenever I go blog-hopping and bumped into a blog where the author’s vocabularies include some of the best bombastic words, me get jealous. Not to mention, when the author use some words I don’t understand me get embarrassed *T_T*

Pardon my French, Moi English needs to sound effortless…again.

Forgive Me

Hello.

Forgive me.
Will you?
It is still Eid isn't it?
So, forgive me.
Please..

i have all these words,
to elaborate on my apology.
but the part that matters is always the 'begging part'.
sorry. i do not beg.
I simply seek.
yes, for your forgiveness.

Forgive me,
for not noticing.
Forgive me,
for not seeing.
Forgive me,
for not encouraging.
Forgive me,
for not understanding.
Forgive me,
for not listening.
Forgive me,
for not telling.
Forgive me,
for being too late.
Forgive me,
for trying to forget.
Forgive me,
for failing to do all that..

Also..
Forgive me,
for saying 'congratulations',
because i know you don't need to hear it from me,
somehow, being the selfish retard that i am,
i need to say it,
because,
forgive me one more time,
for i need to move on..

Compromised

There was a ringing in my head.

Loud and almost frightening.

Sometimes it stopped and in a moment resumed.

My head is trying to bear.



Fine.

WHat is bothering me?

Last I checked, I am not easily bothered.

Even the smell of the cat soiling (fresh) greeting me everytime i come home from work does not bother me.

Yes, Nothing quite bothers me as easy.



Nonetheless, this one thing bothers me.

After 25 years of good resistence or should I say, divergence...I have been compromised.

It took so long.


This one thing becomes harder when you know, you can't resist it nor succumb to it.

A battle of the emotions.

Life is all about emoting.

Right?


At the moment, my emotion is not as rich.

I have learned how to make it less 'colourful', if I can say so.


Ok, the butterflies have left.

Me here, just me...with 'ME'.

An attempt at stopping

Why are you looking at me like that?

You are sending me the wrong signal.

This is not an option.
You must not see me this way.
Hiding is not what I do best.

Figuring me out might get easier for you.
If you will not stop stealing glances at me.


Understand this.
You should stay on your side.
I will stay on mine.
That sounds about right, right?

..Let's BE..

"Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”
William Shakespeare

I have none of the above.
Why?
I do not seek as much as I am not sought after.


Choice of the matter is clear.

I cannot be what I choose not to be.

Sleeping alone?

What if I woke up one day and there was somebody next to me?

Somebody....herk?

Seriously, I can not imagine that.

The reason being is simple --> I do not share my bed with anyone.

Yes, there were times on occasions WHEN I had to give up the comfort of sleeping solo to accomodate to relatives staying over.
Occasions...very rare occasions.

I mean, the reason to the reason I can not imagine having someone else waking up beside me is that I am afraid of what I might unconciously do during my sleep
i:e slap the person, kick the person in the groin,
or worse--> mistake that person's body for a second mattress....(double the comfort) Muahaha !!

One more thing, I have very sensitive ears. I can hear a needle drop on the floor in my sleep--->EXAGGERATING. Still, If there was any movement, my ears would pick up the sound and there goes my sound sleep down the well--->Again EXAGGERATING.

So, just imagine if the person sleeping next to me deicdes to have a sore throat and cough relentlessly (as if the person has any say in that matter)throughout the night right in my ear?
I can imagine this--->SLEEPLESS BEAST--->ME

*Pause for dramatic effect*

*Still pausing*

The point of my entry today is...there is no point.
It was just a random thought I had and I just felt like putting it down here.


Bahahhahahaha!!
You probaly thought I had something brilliant to say with that kind of opening sentence.
You thought wrong.

Hey, It's my blog.
Why do you care?


Boooo..!!